I searched through crypts.
But the vampires would no longer bite, now that they could order blood online.
I walked in dark forests.
But I did not get attacked by any werewolves, I did hear them howling and found out they were in a small house watching sports on the television and howling whenever the opposite team scored.
I searched the swamps.
But found no ogres feasting on humans that got lost in the swamps.
I searched the depths of caves.
But the goblins were busy playing World of Warcraft.
I searched in haunted houses.
The ghosts could longer scare people because nowadays we were more scared of terrorists then poltergeists.
I gave up and went back home.
The problem was these monsters lived in the 21st century, with television, video games and that damned thing called internet.
They have become to entertained that they could do countless of things to get a rush instead for hunting for flesh.
And if they needed anything they could just order it online 24/7/365.
There were no more peasants holding pitchforks and torches standing outside my home demanding my assistance in slaying a monster.
And when I was about to sell all my stakes, silver bullets, bottles of Holy water and crosses online I had an epiphany.
I need these monsters, without them I would be out of a job, I would have to show these monsters how things should be done.
Show them what it’s all about again, how to suck blood, eat flesh, scare people and kidnap children.
I went to the crypts and tried to persuade the vampires to get back out there and drink the blood of virgins.
“No, thank you.”, They said.
“But you’re vampires! It’s what you do!”, I replied.
I was at a loss so I came up with something, “Okay, how about you turn me into a vampire and I’ll show you how easy it is.”
They agreed and I drank the blood of the oldest vampire there and after a night of feeling terrible I woke up with a pair of brand new fangs and a hunger in my tummy.
That night we all went to town and I found a virgin and drank her blood while the other vampires watched.
They were amazed and felt a thrill, I was sure they would be unable to fight the urge to drink blood soon and they’ll be real vampire again.
I walked the dark forest until I found the small house again.
They invited me in and I tried to convince them to go out and attack unknown peasants and cattle.
“What about the game?”, They asked me.
“Don’t you guys have TiVo?”, it turned out they didn’t so I helped them order it and I allowed one of them to scratch me, and the following nights I began to turn into a werewolf.
When I was feeling better again and they had setup their Tivo, we went out into the dark forest that was connected to a sheep farm.
I attacked some of the sheep and they howled while I was tearing apart the sheep.
When we got back to the small house they told me they could feel a rush and might try it out sometime.
I stepped into the swamp and found a family of ogres.
“Why haven’t you eaten a human in years?”, I asked the father ogre.
“Even if I wanted to eat a human, nobody ever gets lost these days because of their GPS navigators.”, The ogre explained.
I wasn’t sure what to do about this so I told him he could always attack the navigators, but he closed the door in my face.
The goblins were scared too scared of me, so I talked to them through a tin can attached to a string.
“Can’t you guys build some kind of bomb and blow up a city that’s been bugging you?”
I heard some voices discussing something on the other end of the… line.
“No, we are fine here, okthxbye.”, One of the goblins said.
I knew enough to know this wasn’t going to work.
I talked to some ghosts but they had so many issues that they would need a good shrink to get over things.
So I gave them the number of mine and I went back home.
I dozed off to sleep while I was sitting in my relax chair hoping I would get some jobs again soon.
A crowd of angry peasants holding pitchforks and torches were standing in front of my house yelling my name.
I woke up and opened the door, one of the leaders of the angry mob began to yell at me, “You demon!”
“Monster!”, Another one yelled.
I was confused, I was once their hero, saved them from countless monsters over time.
They threw some of the torches on my room and my house began to go up in flames.
Their pitchforks were getting a little to close for comfort and I finally understood.
My name was Van Gottlieb monster hunter, but you can now call me vampire-werewolf-ghost-man.
Happy Halloween!
But the vampires would no longer bite, now that they could order blood online.
I walked in dark forests.
But I did not get attacked by any werewolves, I did hear them howling and found out they were in a small house watching sports on the television and howling whenever the opposite team scored.
I searched the swamps.
But found no ogres feasting on humans that got lost in the swamps.
I searched the depths of caves.
But the goblins were busy playing World of Warcraft.
I searched in haunted houses.
The ghosts could longer scare people because nowadays we were more scared of terrorists then poltergeists.
I gave up and went back home.
The problem was these monsters lived in the 21st century, with television, video games and that damned thing called internet.
They have become to entertained that they could do countless of things to get a rush instead for hunting for flesh.
And if they needed anything they could just order it online 24/7/365.
There were no more peasants holding pitchforks and torches standing outside my home demanding my assistance in slaying a monster.
And when I was about to sell all my stakes, silver bullets, bottles of Holy water and crosses online I had an epiphany.
I need these monsters, without them I would be out of a job, I would have to show these monsters how things should be done.
Show them what it’s all about again, how to suck blood, eat flesh, scare people and kidnap children.
I went to the crypts and tried to persuade the vampires to get back out there and drink the blood of virgins.
“No, thank you.”, They said.
“But you’re vampires! It’s what you do!”, I replied.
I was at a loss so I came up with something, “Okay, how about you turn me into a vampire and I’ll show you how easy it is.”
They agreed and I drank the blood of the oldest vampire there and after a night of feeling terrible I woke up with a pair of brand new fangs and a hunger in my tummy.
That night we all went to town and I found a virgin and drank her blood while the other vampires watched.
They were amazed and felt a thrill, I was sure they would be unable to fight the urge to drink blood soon and they’ll be real vampire again.
I walked the dark forest until I found the small house again.
They invited me in and I tried to convince them to go out and attack unknown peasants and cattle.
“What about the game?”, They asked me.
“Don’t you guys have TiVo?”, it turned out they didn’t so I helped them order it and I allowed one of them to scratch me, and the following nights I began to turn into a werewolf.
When I was feeling better again and they had setup their Tivo, we went out into the dark forest that was connected to a sheep farm.
I attacked some of the sheep and they howled while I was tearing apart the sheep.
When we got back to the small house they told me they could feel a rush and might try it out sometime.
I stepped into the swamp and found a family of ogres.
“Why haven’t you eaten a human in years?”, I asked the father ogre.
“Even if I wanted to eat a human, nobody ever gets lost these days because of their GPS navigators.”, The ogre explained.
I wasn’t sure what to do about this so I told him he could always attack the navigators, but he closed the door in my face.
The goblins were scared too scared of me, so I talked to them through a tin can attached to a string.
“Can’t you guys build some kind of bomb and blow up a city that’s been bugging you?”
I heard some voices discussing something on the other end of the… line.
“No, we are fine here, okthxbye.”, One of the goblins said.
I knew enough to know this wasn’t going to work.
I talked to some ghosts but they had so many issues that they would need a good shrink to get over things.
So I gave them the number of mine and I went back home.
I dozed off to sleep while I was sitting in my relax chair hoping I would get some jobs again soon.
A crowd of angry peasants holding pitchforks and torches were standing in front of my house yelling my name.
I woke up and opened the door, one of the leaders of the angry mob began to yell at me, “You demon!”
“Monster!”, Another one yelled.
I was confused, I was once their hero, saved them from countless monsters over time.
They threw some of the torches on my room and my house began to go up in flames.
Their pitchforks were getting a little to close for comfort and I finally understood.
My name was Van Gottlieb monster hunter, but you can now call me vampire-werewolf-ghost-man.
Happy Halloween!
