On the first day of christmas their grandfather told them all about christmas back in the day.
“Kids, let me tell you a real christmas story.”, Their grandfather said while he poured some whiskey into his hot cocoa.
“It was on a white christmas night somewhere between 2 or 3 am, and with white I mean it had been fucking snowed all day and night. The roads were slippery and so were the women, but I’ll get to that in a minute.”
They had no real idea what he was on about so they just sat there on the floor drinking hot cocoa while listening to his story.
“It was christmas eve and I felt lonely, and my back was sore if you get what I mean.”, He said nodding their way, again they weren’t sure what he meant but they nodded and smiled back revealing their cocoa mustaches.
He continued his story after taking a sip of his spiked cocoa, “I walked in the snow for hours looking for a massage parlor that was open when I finally found on located in a dark alley I went inside.”
He paused as their mother walked by the open door dad’s study, when he was sure she wasn’t eavesdropping he continued his story, “So a nice lady greeted me, asking me if I wanted some tea or coffee to warm up, which I accepted because I was freezing my ass off. Anyway, she then took me into a spare room and I stripped down and laid onto a kind of table and stuck my head through a hole, and while I was staring at the ground my masseuse arrived.”
Our mother walked by the room again holding a silver plate with nibbles, their grandfather smiled at her, and so did they, she eyeballed them for a second, smiled and continued on her way back to the rest of the family.
“And by the way, this was before your grandmother was around.”, He said.
He took another sip and continued telling them his story, “Her name was Kim Long, no shit. Kim Lung, no I’m sure it couldn’t possible have been a organ, who’s last name is an organ, Hi my name is Joe Kidney. Oh! you met my girlfriend Cindy Spleen?”
He looked upset but after a couple more sips he felt better and said, “So I looked over my shoulder at Kim whatshername and God, let me tell you the bells on that girl!”
“So she started to work on my back and shoulders, and it felt great, the pain in my back was gone, just like that.”, He added.
Their mother was standing in the doorpost, “Dad, when will you come and join the party?”
“Party? The only part that will have me in it will be my funeral, now leave us alone, I’m telling them a christmas story!” He yelled back at her.
She was out of the room faster then the sound of her sigh could reach their ears.
“And the only miracle that night was how the girl was working my roasted chestnuts, and boy did she know how to suck a candy cane! And let me tell you about the happy ending of this christmas story.” He said while holding his ‘Greatest Granddad in the universe’ mug above his mouth, catching the last drops that fell out of it with his tongue.
“Are you taking it easy with the cursing dad?” Uncle Jake asked.
Their grandfather started yelling, “Get the fuck atta here can’t you see I’m spending some quality time with my grandkids.”
But all the booze made him sleepy and before they noticed, he was sound asleep.
While they waited for their grandfather to wake up again to continue his story, they went outside to make some snowdemons.
Sadly he never woke up again, but the Nintendo 64 they unwrapped under the christmas tree made up for losing their grandfather.
“Kids, let me tell you a real christmas story.”, Their grandfather said while he poured some whiskey into his hot cocoa.
“It was on a white christmas night somewhere between 2 or 3 am, and with white I mean it had been fucking snowed all day and night. The roads were slippery and so were the women, but I’ll get to that in a minute.”
They had no real idea what he was on about so they just sat there on the floor drinking hot cocoa while listening to his story.
“It was christmas eve and I felt lonely, and my back was sore if you get what I mean.”, He said nodding their way, again they weren’t sure what he meant but they nodded and smiled back revealing their cocoa mustaches.
He continued his story after taking a sip of his spiked cocoa, “I walked in the snow for hours looking for a massage parlor that was open when I finally found on located in a dark alley I went inside.”
He paused as their mother walked by the open door dad’s study, when he was sure she wasn’t eavesdropping he continued his story, “So a nice lady greeted me, asking me if I wanted some tea or coffee to warm up, which I accepted because I was freezing my ass off. Anyway, she then took me into a spare room and I stripped down and laid onto a kind of table and stuck my head through a hole, and while I was staring at the ground my masseuse arrived.”
Our mother walked by the room again holding a silver plate with nibbles, their grandfather smiled at her, and so did they, she eyeballed them for a second, smiled and continued on her way back to the rest of the family.
“And by the way, this was before your grandmother was around.”, He said.
He took another sip and continued telling them his story, “Her name was Kim Long, no shit. Kim Lung, no I’m sure it couldn’t possible have been a organ, who’s last name is an organ, Hi my name is Joe Kidney. Oh! you met my girlfriend Cindy Spleen?”
He looked upset but after a couple more sips he felt better and said, “So I looked over my shoulder at Kim whatshername and God, let me tell you the bells on that girl!”
“So she started to work on my back and shoulders, and it felt great, the pain in my back was gone, just like that.”, He added.
Their mother was standing in the doorpost, “Dad, when will you come and join the party?”
“Party? The only part that will have me in it will be my funeral, now leave us alone, I’m telling them a christmas story!” He yelled back at her.
She was out of the room faster then the sound of her sigh could reach their ears.
“And the only miracle that night was how the girl was working my roasted chestnuts, and boy did she know how to suck a candy cane! And let me tell you about the happy ending of this christmas story.” He said while holding his ‘Greatest Granddad in the universe’ mug above his mouth, catching the last drops that fell out of it with his tongue.
“Are you taking it easy with the cursing dad?” Uncle Jake asked.
Their grandfather started yelling, “Get the fuck atta here can’t you see I’m spending some quality time with my grandkids.”
But all the booze made him sleepy and before they noticed, he was sound asleep.
While they waited for their grandfather to wake up again to continue his story, they went outside to make some snowdemons.
Sadly he never woke up again, but the Nintendo 64 they unwrapped under the christmas tree made up for losing their grandfather.
