“Don’t worry, I had an old tub of yoghurt ice cream in my fridge.”, Daphne said while she plucked out on of her eyebrows that was growing in the uncharted territory between her two eyebrows.
“Oh my God! Didn’t we eat that yoghurt last week?!” One of her friends yelled, which led to her painting her face red with her lipstick.
“No, don’t worry the one you ate from was a different tub.”, Daphne quickly explained.
“Why do you even keep a bucket of sperm in your fridge?” She asked.
“What? Like I want anyone to open my fridge and see a tupperware box filled with sperm between a bowl of caesar salad and a box of orange juice?” Daphne replied.
“What if someone accidentally opens it and eats it something?” Another friend asked who was checking the smell that was coming from her arm pits.
“It’s chocolate and licorice flavored yoghurt, who would want to eat that.”, Daphne said.
All the girls were disgusted at the same time when they heard which flavor it was, creating a orchestra of “Eww’s.”

They all jammed themselves in the reflection of the small mirror as if they were trying to take a group photo inside a photo booth at the train station.
They had to be sure nothing was stuck between their front teeth, before they went back to the party.
Daphne’s boyfriend was finally released from the hospital after he was in a hideous accident at the zoo where he cleaned the animal pens.
He slipped over some poo and failed to noticed the elephant that was moonwalking into his direction until it was to late as it was already sliding over his testicles which made a loud popping sound, Daphne’s boyfriend had been reproducing the sound all night by using his index finger and mouth.
Luckily one of his co-workers who also happens to be a friend of Daphne managed to scoop up some of his sperm into her lunchbox.
When the pack of ladies returned into the living room they saw something that if they had a magical lamp with a genie inside would wish they had never seen.
Daphne’s boyfriend was sitting in his wheelchair eating the tub of ice cream.
“Honey, this chocolate and licorice flavored yoghurt is great!” He said with a big spoonful of it in his mouth.

And that’s the story on how we ended up adopting you son.

Her boyfriend had just broken up with her so he could be with her best friend since kindergarten, and she couldn’t help but to cry over it while she waited for the night bus home.
Her tears had made two rivers in her face and her pimples were like the mountains they curved between.
“This will only take a second.”, The strange looking man said with a crabby voice.
He held the opening of a jar against her cheek which captured the tears that ran down her face.
He started humming a children’s song she used to sing as a little girl, making her cry even more tears.
They had been standing there for quite some time, he had a couple of jars filled with her tears already hanging from the belt around his waist.
Then he stopped trying to make her cry because the jar was almost full.
She kept crying even though her tear wells were dry, snot dripped from her nose like water dripping from a stalactite.
Crying while you’re standing alone at the bus stop on the edge of town in the middle of the night was a bad idea, her friends had warned her about it before, but she laughed at them when they told her.
He licked the last tear that was hanging from the edge of the jar and soft diabolical laughter followed while he twisted the lid back on.
He pranced his way back into the darkness he came from, the sound made by the jars around his waist hitting each other faded off into the distance.

“I’m telling you it’s a time machine dummy.”, the older boy said.
“No, it’s a robot or something.”, his younger brother replied.
One of the boys was banging a hammer against the big metal object that was on top of a frame with wheels.
“Stop banging it, what if it’s a bomb!” The youngest yelled.
“A bomb? Bombs aren’t square, who makes a square bomb!” The older brother yelled back.
Not the banging but their shouting woke up Edward from a pleasant dream about running through a beautiful and very eatable meadow.
“What’s going on? Stop the banging.”, Edward said.
The two boys who were about the same age as him slowly walked to the front of the metal machine.
He saw the oldest of the two stick his head around the corner of the machine with the younger one hiding behind his shoulder.
They stared at edward for a minute or two before talking again.
“Why are you in this thing?” The oldest asked.
The youngest one held onto the upper arm of his brother and asked, “Are you a robot?”
“No I’m not a robot, I have to stay inside this iron lung for the rest of my life.”, Edward explained.
The youngest of the two boys walked up closer to edward and asked, “Do you want to come out and play with us?”
The older boy pushed his younger brother away, “Don’t listen to him, so you are sick?”
“Yes I have Botulism.”, Edward said.
“What does that mean?” The older boy asked.
Edward gave it some thought and said, “It’s the Latin word for sausage.”
“Like hotdogs?” The younger boy asked.
Edward was about to answer the boy’s question when he felt a strange feeling deep inside his chest, at first it felt like a tickle, but that quickly turned into something else, his chest did a quick and single spasm and he made a short and sharp sound.
Sweat had formed on Edwards forehead, and as it started to stream down the side of his face he saw the hammer the oldest boy was holding, “Where did you get the hammer from?” He asked.
The oldest boy looked at the hammer in his hand and explained, “I got it from a toolbox we saw down the hall, their repairing some doors.”
Edward felt another tickle and was afraid of what was coming, but faster than a flash from a camera at a wedding his chest spasmed and he made another strange noise.
“Are you going to explode?!” The younger boy yelled, while he tried to hide behind his big brother again.
His brother placed him in a headlock and rubbed his knuckles over the top of his head, “Shut up you stupidhead!”
“So why are you guys here?” Edward asked.
“Our mother is in the hospital giving birth to our little sister.”, The youngest explained.
Edward felt another tickle, followed by another hiccup which made the lights in the room go on and off, and Edward was scared that his iron lung might have shut down, “Is it still working?”
“What is?” The oldest boy asked.
“The iron lung is the light still on?!” Edward yelled.
The oldest boy walked over to a panel with some lights and buttons on it and after looking at the green light he said, “Yeah, its fine.”
Edward had an hiccup attack, and the lights kept going on and off, the two boys weren’t sure what to do so simply watched this unnatural occurrence.
A nurse stormed into the room and checked the machine, while another woman ran into the room who was clearly Edward’s mother.
The younger boy was tugging his brother’s shirt, “Let’s go play someplace else.”, He said.
“Good idea I saw a boy in a bubble a couple of rooms ago, let’s go play with him.”, The older boy said.
And the two boys ran out of the room.

There was a horrid smell floating around inside the grocery store, but Brandi’s nose lost most of it’s ability to smell on her fifteenth birthday when she proved it was impossible to blow out a cake full of candles by blowing air threw your nose.
The smell was caused by an elderly lady, who earlier out without any apparent reason started to knock down every jar of pickles from the shelves.
The only thing they did know was that the elderly lady had foam around her mouth.
Brandi was walking the aisle with the freezers filled with frozen goods, she tossed a box of frozen chicken fingers in her cart and walked out of the aisle.
And after she moved past the last freezer that blocked her view of the meat section she suddenly stared straight into the eyes of a middle aged woman with a pink plastic clothespin on her nose.
The woman was standing at a small booth with a wok on it.
“Would you like to try some vegan meat balls?” She asked Brandi.
Brandi stared at the pink clothespin and the woman added, “Oh this thing, that’s for the smell.”
Brand laughed gently, “Oh! No, I don’t mean the meatballs but the smell of the pickles!” She quickly said.
“Do you want to have a taste, their new.”, The woman said holding a plate with tiny meatballs, each with a little toothpick that had a paper leaf glued on it, sticking out of them.
“No, thank you.”, Brandi replied and continued pushing her cart.
And when her back was turned the woman said, “You should be a little more adventurous.”
Brandi stopped pushing her cart and got reminded of the reason her marriage didn’t work out, he said the exact same thing.
Instead of getting angry at her and possible throwing a jar of pickles at her head, she walked back and grabbed one of the meatballs.
“So is this tofu or something?” She asked the woman.
“No it’s vegan meat.”, The woman said.
Brandi felt confused, “Oh, so what’s that then?” she asked.
“Vegan meat.”, The woman replied while she raised her eyebrows up and down with each letter she spoke of that sentence.
“Yes, I know that but if it’s not tofu then what is it made out of?” Brandi asked.
“The meat of vegans.”, The woman explained with a big smile on her face.
Meanwhile one of the mutant pickles had crawled over to the vegan meat balls booth and was about to bite Brandi in her heel, “They smell funny.”, She said while hovering her nose over the meatball.
“That’s what you get from people who only eat green stuff.”, The woman explained.
The mutant pickle took a small chunk out of her heel, Brandi screamed out of pain and stomped her heel onto the pickle, splashing it across the tile floor.
She also dropped her meatball which bounced around on the floor.
“Oh my, are you alright?” The woman asked.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”, Brandi replied.
At first Brandi felt fine until her wound turned green and she had a rash going up her leg that looked just like the texture of a pickle and more foam began to form in her mouth as the rash made its way up to her head.
Brandi looked at the woman differently now, she felt a hunger inside her tummy that went beyond vegan meat balls, she wanted human flesh and as much of it as she could get, she slowly walked closer to the woman, dragging the leg she got bitten behind her.
“Uhm, it’s ok, just take another one.”, The woman said while holding a box of vegan meat balls in front of her as a shield.
Brandi kept on stumbling towards her grunting with each step, “If you didn’t like the meatballs we also have a new product, vegan meat loaf!” she yelled right before Brandi bit her in her neck.
After Brandi was done feasting on the woman she got up and tried one of the vegan meat balls.
‘hhhmmmmm’, she grunted.

This was a terrible day for the prince as this was the day he and his princess would go shopping for a new mattress.
She once read that a mattress should be replaced every 5-7 years, and so every 5 years they went out to buy a new mattress.
“What about this one?” He asked his beloved princess.
She gave him the stink eye and she continued walking through the aisles of beds on the top floor of the Mattress Giant‘s store.
He followed her and every mattress they passed by she had said it was no good, to cheap or not thick-looking enough.
She finally stopped at king sized mattress with a high price tag, the prince knew what was going to happen next.
She gently sat down on the bed and positioned herself in the middle and laid down.
The prince watch her face turn even more sour and she looked at him and said, “This is a horrible mattress, theres something poking my back.”
He remained calm considering they had been her for over four hours already, “Do you mean you feel a spring?”
A salesman was coming their way and the prince tried his best to signal him to stay away but to no avail.
“Can I help you with anything.”, He cheerfully said.
“There’s something wrong with this mattress, something is poking into my back. I can feel the people one floor down walking around, a mildly obese man with a petite woman and a son and daughter are right below me.”, The princess explained.
“That’s impossible.”, The salesman said followed by a short laugh.
The princess was offended, “Guards! Cease this man, and throw him in the darkest chamber we have.”, she screamed.
The prince tried not to get involved and stared at his shoes, the guards dragged the salesman away from the royal couple, he was kicking and screaming saying he was sorry.
The princess got up from the bed and continued walking around and about the mattress store, the prince followed her around and with every mattress she tried she got more and more grumpy, “So you’re saying I’m being to difficult!? Let’s see who married me for my physical sensitivity? Hm, YOU!” She yelled at him.
The prince thought about that every single day, and every day he regretted it more and more.
“Your highness, I have found you a mattress you might like.”, The Jester said.
The princess stopped straight in her tracks and turned towards the little man wearing a funny outfit, “Is this a joke? Because it’s not funny, Guards!” she yelled.
Before the prince could blink his eyes the jester was picked up by one of the guards by his feet and was held upside down, “No no, please, it’s no joke.”, He said while squirming in the air.
“Show me where it is, now!” she ordered the jester, and so the royal couple followed the jester who was skipping his way to mattress, and in the back of one of the dark corners there was a mattress the princess had not seen before.
The prince grabbed his wallet and picked a small pea out of it and handed it to the princess, “The perfect test, right?”
And for the first time that day she smiled at him, and ordered one of the guards to place the pea underneath the mattress.
The princess climbed up on the mattress and laid herself onto it and the prince, jester and the guards looked at her in anticipation.
She tossed and turned for a while but then remained perfectly still, her eyes fell shut and she started to snore lightly.
Everyone around the bed released a sigh and they all noticed how peaceful she looked when she was asleep.
“I hope she never wakes up again.”, The prince and jester said at the exact same time.
They looked at each other, the prince felt a strange attraction to the short and strange looking man.
The prince asked the jester for some help on testing out the new mattress for the guest room, and the jester happily obliged.

Somewhere on the island of Haiti a family is on their way back to the airport when their van suddenly breaks down.
“I’ll go see whats wrong.”, Daren said as he got out of the car.
He opened up the hood of the car and smoke was coming from the engine, it was hard to see anything because it was the middle of the night.
He walked to the side of the car where his wife was seated and waited for her window to come down, “Honey, do we have a flashlight?” He asked.
She checked the glove compartment, “Nothing here, what about in the back.”, She said.
And so he walked to the back of the car but since it was a rental there was nothing in the back of the car.
He stood there for a while thinking it over, he knew the engine just needed some water but they only had soda with them, he walked back to his side of the car when he saw a cottage with a orange glow around it, “Hey theres a house over there, maybe they have one.”, He said and jogged over to the cottage.
It was dark inside and he heard voices coming from behind the house so he walked over there.
There was a group of people dancing around a fire wearing weird costumes and some wore scary looking maps.
“He.., hello.”, Daren said to one of the people standing by the side of the house, the man seemed to be high on something and was just smiling at him.
The singing continued, Hamdale hee! Hamdala hee!
“My car broke down just a short walk from here, the engine is overheated and my family is inside and we have a plane to catch.”
He walked around some more hoping someone was still on the ground and able to help him, Hiede Ha Hiede Ha.
And he started to ask each person dancing around the fire that passed him by.
“Listen I was just wondering if anyone had a flashlight and some water, thats all.”, Daren said to one of them.
Hella hella hoo.
He didn’t give up easily and tried again, “Flashlight Anyone?”
Hella hoo.
“Water?” He asked.
He couldn’t really tell if they were men or women but then a topless woman passed him by, “Excuse me miss, I just need some..”
He heard a coming from the cottage behind him, he turned around to see what it was.
A short man walked outside, “They are praying to the Gods for things, wishes or money or health.”, He explained while walking down a small set of steps.
“Everyone wants something.”, Daren replied.
The man smiled at him and leaned against the railing of the steps.
“My van broke down just over there and if I could just borrow a flashlight and get some water so I can get the engine to cool off that would get us on our way.”, Daren explained.
Yo Magga Yo Magga
The man was simply smiling at him and leaning against the railing.
Dukkhu Te Dukkhu
Daren looked at the van filled with his sons and daughters, knowing his wife must be going crazy right now with nine kids in the back.
“Children are great.”, The man said who was also looking at the van.
“Yes they are, can’t get enough of them.”, Daren said.
The man laughed and went back into his cottage.
He quickly returned with a flash light and a bottle of water, “Keep da flashlight.”
The man then handed him a small flask, “Here take this with you, good for your..”, He explained while pointing at Daren’s crotch.
“Aah! Thank you, for all your help Sir.”, Daren said and started jogging back to his van.
The man waved him goodbye and yelled, “Bad things happen if you miss use that potion friend, so don’t.”
Daren managed to cool down the engine and got back into the driver’s seat.
He handed his wife the flask and started the car and continued their drive to the airport.
“They said it was good for the libido.”, Daren explained while staying focussed on the road.
His wife rolled down her window and threw the flask out of the window.
“What!? Are you crazy?” Daren yelled.
“Crazy? Those people are crazy, and besides we have nine kids, don’t you think that’s enough?” She said.
She turned around towards the kids fighting on the back seats, “Now shut up back there!” She yelled.
His wife made a good point, “But the man said if its used in any other way besides drinking it, bad things will happen.”, Daren said.
“Don’t believe that nonsense, but it’s still nice you found someone there that would help us.”, His wife replied.

When the plane was finally on it’s way back to England and their nine children were fast asleep Daren picked the novelty voodoo doll from his backpack and tried to scare his wife with it, “Hoooo, voodoo!”
“You’re an idiot.”, Was all she said to him.
He pretended the voodoo doll was walking on the small tray he pulled out of the seat in front of him, “Oh look at me, I’m a voodoo doll.”, He said while it was walking around.
He blew air against the doll and pretended it was caught in a storm, it flew up against the small television and at the same time the airplane tilted to the right side, some magazines and plates of food flew by him.
The airplane adjusted itself again and the pilot apologized for what just happened.
Daren held onto the doll as if it was the most important thing in the universe, for the whole eleven hour flight he did not move, drink, eat, pee or sleep.
He thanked all the Gods he could think of when he plane landed safely on British soil, the pilots were standing by the exit shaking hands and receiving thanks for landing the plane safely, when Daren go to the captain he handed him the doll, his head was covered in sweat and he looked as if he had not slept for days, “Here, this, this voodoo doll is someone how connected to you, it’s my fault the plane nearly crashed earlier.”, Daren explained.
The captain was too afraid to say anything so accepted the voodoo doll and nodded.
“I swear I didn’t know, I just thought it would be a nice keychain!” Daren yelled as his wife and nine kids dragged him out of the airplane.

“If this was Jeffzakhistan you’d be dead.”, Jeff said to the desk clerk.
“I can’t help the fact we don’t have any rooms left? And Jeffzakhistan?”
“Yes, that’s the imaginary country in which he is the dictator.” Thea explained to the desk clerk.
Jeff just kept on explaining how his punishment would be, “Blindfolded and placed in front of a firing squad, bam!”
“Thanks anyway, we will be leaving now.”, She said to the clerk while she dragged Jeff with her, Jeff dragged the suitcases with him.
The clerk went back to work and picked up the phone the second it rang, when she stepped into the turning door she heard the desk clerk yell her last name, “Miss Ruman!”
She quickly turned around and jumped out of the open space between the rotating door and the wall, Jeff on the other hand wasn’t that quick and got his arm stuck between the sliding doors, which did not notice his arm was there and when a hotel employee came to his rescue it was already to late.
His lower left arm was broken on countless places and later that night they found themselves in the penthouse on the top floor of the hotel, fully payed for by the hotel.
“I might never be able to play the piano, paint, or even stand on my head!” Jeff yelled.
Thea took a deep breath of the shilled air from the balcony, “Calm down, you never did any of those things anyway. And besides the doctors said your arm will recover as long as you take good care of it while it heals.”
After the pain meds kicked in Jeff finally went quite and didn’t say another word for a while.
They stood on the balcony watching the city, the skyscrapers, the stars in the sky were no match for the million lights scattered around the city.
“We should go to the beach tomorrow.”, Jeff said.
“It’s why we took one of the hotels right next to it.”, Thea said right before a soft bell near the door rang, she went inside to open the door.
Jeff remained outside slightly drugged, he spied on the hotel to the left of them, not much people were sitting on their balconies but the penthouse that was a bit lower then theirs were having a party.
The wind carried some of the music over to their balcony, it was something modern with with a slightly robotic echo behind his voice singing about getting drunk on chicks.
Jeff had no real clue what the singer meant, in his mind it meant drinking so much you had to throw up, and one would do that on nude girls.
Lucky for him Thea came back onto the balcony driving a small cart with food and drinks on it, “Look what we got, free room service!”
“Shrimp on a stick! How did they know this was my favorite thing to eat!” Jeff shouted out of sheer joy.
Thea didn’t want to seem smart by letting him know that, that were their tails not sticks.
They ate some of the food, and Jeff was holding a handful of shrimps on a stick when he saw a man walking up onto the balcony of the penthouse next to them.
“Is that really him?” Jeff asked Thea, who was licking the caviar from her fingertips.
“Who?” She asked while walking over to him, “What the..”, She said while her eyes laid on one of the most famous people on Earth.
“Short, constant grin on his face, elvis glasses, no doubt about it, thats Kim Jong Li!” Thea replied with a strong voice.
“That’s insane, a real dictator right next door to us!” Jeff yelled.
“Shh, he might hear us.”, Thea whispered.
Another man walked up onto the balcony wearing a turban and with a long pointy grey beard on his face as well as round glasses.
“Who is that?” Jeff asked Thea.
“That Iran guy, I’v seen him on TV.”, Thea said.
A black man walked up to other two dictators, also wearing glasses but quite modern ones, and with a strange vertical line below the center his nose.
“That’s the President of Zimbabwe!” Jeff yelped right before Thea covered his mouth.
The three of them mingled and appeared to be making jokes and laughing.
Yet another man walked to the group.
“Another guy, who’s that?” Thea asked.
“Fidel Castro! But he’s dead!?” Jeff yelled.
“Is that really him?” Thea asked.
Jeff swallowed a mouth full of shrimps and replied, “Cigar between his teeth, mid-length beard, military cap, totally him.”
They watched the group of dictators enjoying drinks and chatting as if they were a group of friends in a pub, and suddenly out of the blue they all looked into the direction of Jeff and Thea, who in return quickly ran inside where Jeff tripped over a loose part of carpet at the balcony doors.
The next morning Jeff was lying in bed with a broken arm and a couple of broken ribs, the hotel felt bad about what happened and gave the couple a weeks stay in the penthouse with all the room service they would want, in return Jeff wouldn’t sue them.
The rest of their vacation they spend in the hotel room with the curtains closed shut, in fear of being assassinated by evil dictators, because they knew the truth about them.

Later that night..
“They must be doing some freakish things over there, they have had their curtains closed all week.”, Robert Mugabe said.
“How very interesting, must be doing lots of humpy humping.”, Kim Long Li said followed by laughter that could be called ventriloquistic at the very least.
Fidel Castro stayed quiet while smoking the rest of his cigar.